Congratulations on bringing a Sylvan into your family! You can look forward to years of companionship, more or less, and a lot of quips! Please keep these instructions and tips in mind when setting up your Sylvan’s enclosure and caring for her.
Basic Care Instructions
- Your Sylvan will thrive best in a quiet, cool room with ample blankets and pillows. She will also require variable light depending on her activities. A bit of sunlight is great, but be sure her enclosure does not overheat or she will fly into a sobbing rage.
- Sylvans are herbivores, which means they do not eat meat, dairy, eggs, or honey. You will find your new friend is happiest on a diet of Beyond Chicken Nuggets, potatoes, and a ketchup/sweet chili dipping sauce. Frequent supplementation with fruits and vegetables is recommended to keep your Sylvan happy and healthy!
- Sylvans eat irregularly if left to their own devices. They may completely forget to eat if they are in the middle of a project or just don’t want to get up.
- Sylvans often refuse to drink adequate water, so, it is best to lure them into the idea by keeping their water supply in a cute bottle with plenty of ice. Speaking of ice, did you know one of a Sylvan’s favorite treats is a Starbucks iced Blonde Vanilla oat milk latte? Bring one to her and watch her light up!
- Other safe treats for your Sylvan include Golden Oreos, soft pretzels, black bean chalupas from Taco Bell (please be sure there is no sour cream, avocado, or cheese as these are toxic for your Sylvan!), and Oatly ice cream.
- Your Sylvan will sleep most of the day. This is natural! Sylvans are by nature deeply depressed and in order for them to function at all they require adequate rest, which will seem like a lot to the average human. Social interactions may leave your Sylvan sluggish for several days. Don’t worry, she’ll perk back up! Just be patient.
- When not sleeping your Sylvan will want to spend a lot of time writing. For best results be sure she has a Macbook to work on. You may observe behavioral changes while she is writing, including wailing, gnashing of teeth, screaming, and erratic gesticulation. She may even dance around her enclosure in triumph from time to time. Have your camera ready!
- Since your Sylvan is a rescue she may have a lot of emotional and physical issues. Your vet will provide all the necessary medications. Be sure she gets them per the dosage instructions. As long as she has a Coke Zero or iced coffee your Sylvan should not be difficult to pill. If she is being stubborn, hide the pills in a nut butter and jam sandwich (toast for best results).
- In general Sylvans do not require a lot of external stimulation, as they are quite happy to spend time alone with books, a computer, and the occasional craft project. If you notice your Sylvan acting listless open her phone to Pinterest and let her browse for a while, or try one of the enrichment activities from the list below.
Tips for Keeping Your Sylvan Busy and Engaged:
- Provide crossword puzzles and trivia games for your Sylvan. They are masters of useless facts.
- Your Sylvan will enjoy videos just like you do! She will appreciate dollhouse and miniature project tutorials, ASMR videos (especially before bed!), vegan recipes, and programs about paleontology, archaeology, Egyptology, and disasters both man-made and natural; as well as nature documentaries narrated by Sir David Attenborough. She may also enjoy videos about Witchcraft and Paganism, but pay attention to her cues to be sure you don’t force her to sit through the irritating “aesthetic” stuff.
- As for other visual enrichment, introducing your Sylvan to new content may take time. She will gravitate toward shows and movies she’s already seen 100 times, but if you leave hints and reviews of a new program around eventually you may pique her interest. If she seems agitated default to Lucifer, The Sandman, Golden Girls, Jurassic Park films, Disney animated works, and the first three or so phases of the MCU. Above all do not inflict “comedies” on her that involve men farting/defecating and behaving in misogynistic or homophobic ways.
- Books! Books are important to your Sylvan even if she never seems to read them. She appreciates nonfiction the most, particularly history, archaeology, and other subjects she likes on video. Books related to forensic anthropology are appreciated, as are books on religion, metaphysics, mythology, and cooking. She will probably never cook; these books are purely for her enjoyment.
- When it comes to her own books, it is imperative that you do not let her peruse reviews of her work – no, not even great ones! Studies have found that even good reviews cause her to have difficult feelings including inadequacy and a sense of failure. These will interfere needlessly with her current work. If you need her to work under a deadline, she will do great, as long as you provide additional iced coffee and snack supplementation.
Follow these hints and instructions and you and your Sylvan will have many happy years together! Don’t and, well, she’ll be a raving bitchmonster or at least super whiny and prone to soul-barf all over Facebook. Good luck!