Nothin’ But a Number

By the time you’re 45 you should have:

1 – A favorite form of ibuprofen

2 – An embarrassing medical issue involving your butt, belly, or business

3 – A slang vocabulary at least 6-12 months out of date

4 – An animal nemesis somewhere in your neighborhood, whether a marauding squirrel, yapping dog, or blue jay that always shits on your car.

5 – At least one extremely niche interest or hobby that always requires explanation

6 – A driving need to explain that interest or hobby

7 – Realized that you could have spawned half the members of your team at work

8 – A growing appreciation for the phrase “fuck all y’all.”

9 – Heard a song you loved from the 80s-90s sampled by an artist half your age

10 – An existential crisis every time the supermarket rearranges the aisles