It was inevitable that I’d get behind, I suppose – at least I had this weekend to catch back up! My mental weather has been stormy the last few days so, once I realized how morose and crappy I was feeling, I decided not to inflict any more of that on you guys. 😀 I apologize for the post complaining about my career – that’s an example of how I think when my depression works the graveyard shift, as the songwriter says.
Anyway, let’s catch up!
Day 13: Something I’ve Always Wanted to be Good At
I’m good at a lot of things. I’m a good writer (sometimes awesome), I can bake deliciously, I can draw and letter (not nearly as well as I’d like, but well enough for what I do with my art), I can build miniatures (some of my construction ends up pretty shoddy but it always seems to look great by the time it’s in the house – plus I’ve only been doing it for a year, so I think I’m doing pretty well). I’m very good at my day job (I basically start businesses for people, including nonprofits). I make all kinds of things.
No matter how great you are at how many things, though, there are always those “but if only…” skills and talents. Writers wish they could draw. Musicians wish they could write. Actors and writers both wish they got a decent deal with studios. (Stand with WGA-SAG-AFTRA!) We all want to do what we don’t already do even if what we already do is amazing.
I’d still like to play piano, though. I’ve wanted to do something musical my whole life – sing, which I do anyway even though I can’t hold a tune very well; or play an instrument, which has always taken time and money I didn’t have or wasn’t willing to devote. That’s why I always write musicians – I can’t play but I can write! (Well, that, and violinists are inherently sexy. I don’t make the rules.)
I’ve also always wanted to learn Spanish, but fool I am I took French in high school and college, little of which I remember now, merde. I can still learn Spanish if I put my mind to it. It would be so useful! Not to mention most of my coworkers are of Mexican descent and banter in Spanish all the time, and I’d love to eavesdrop on their conversations, because I am a nosy Scorpio.
Day 14: A Weird Thing I Do When I’m Alone
I talk to myself. And yeah, everyone talks to themselves, but not everyone runs the dialogue from their novels aloud in character when they’re alone. That’s why my dialogue sounds like it does, I say it all out loud, while imagining the scene playing out. It’s a utilitarian form of playpretend, I suppose.
I also sometimes narrate what I’m doing in the kitchen as if I were hosting a cooking show. I almost always do that in some weird half-assed accent like snooty British or dreadful, dreadful Scottish. Back when I let my cats sit on the bar while I cooked I would explain the process to them. I still do that with the dog sometimes.
Day 15: An Unsent Letter
Dear xxxxxx,
I do not regret ending things with you, as I was not happy at all. What I said was true – I give the impression that I’m cool with polyamory in my writing, but in real life, I have yet to see it work without painful implosion. I don’t think it’s wrong, just very wrong for me! The whole situation was untenable for me, and the fact was I didn’t love you nearly enough for either of us.
However.
I was such an asshole. I didn’t mean to be! I don’t know how to do relationships, and at least back then I was not good at hard conversations. I run screaming from confrontation of any kind, to this day, but you deserved much better than how I handled things. I am profoundly sorry. I’m glad that you were able to do better.
Best of all things to you,
Sylvan
Day 16: 3 Celebrity Crushes
Hmmmmm let’s see. I still suffer from a massive ladyboner for Tom Hiddleston. He has that tragic poet kind of vibe in most of his roles, and in general I think of a character as sexy before the real person. Let’s face it, what can we really know about someone whose job is to convince us they are someone else? You can know a fictional character, though. World-weary vampire (Only Lovers Left Alive), damaged inventor (Crimson Peak), broken god (MCU), bratty prodigal turned king (The Hollow Crown), anguished vicar (The Essex Serpent), YUM.
By the same token, nothing against Tom Sturridge, but while I have zero interest in the actor, I want to climb Dream of the Endless like K2 and plant a goddamn flag.
And while I consider myself more or less heterosexual, I have two words for you: Rachel Weisz.