Recently I backed out of a commitment.
I knew almost as soon as I offered to join in on this particular thing that I didn’t want to do it, but I tend to get overzealous about joining things when I’m in a good place, only to regret it intensely when I land back in the Shit Pit or have recently climbed out.
Never, ever make a commitment or any life decision at 3am or when you’re feeling awesome/awful. Trust me. I am aware of my need for approval and inclusion, and that it’s a trauma response and not something I want to act on without serious consideration, but I still say “sure!” when I mean “I adore you/I support this cause/I love the idea but I need to think it over.”
I’ve been having to slowly teach myself to really think about what I’m offering to do, and a) if I can actually do it with the time and energy I have, b) if I want to do it, and c) if I’m the right person for it. In this case the answer all three questions was a definite no.
In years past I would have stuck with it because I said I would and I’m terrified of both disappointing people and confrontation. The problem is that not standing up for myself results in more of both, because what I end up doing is hating every minute of the activity and resenting the people I promised I’d help. Then once I hit the Shit Pit again I end up dropping out anyway out of overwhelm, and of course that disappoints people! So I end up feeling terrible and causing problems down the line, closer to the deadline of whatever the project is, which to me is WAY worse than just saying “Sorry, I can’t” at the outset.
It’s only taken 46 years for me to get to the point where I am willing to risk ticking people off in order to do the right thing for myself. So while it was a small thing, I’m still proud of myself for doing it. 20s and 30s me would never have been able to speak up.