So how was July?
Warning: This is not a smallish post. I have a lot on my mind.
It’s been a long month. The weather has been brutally, life-drainingly hot. I’ve spent this last week in what I call the Shit Pit – a deep and nasty depressive episode, usually lasting 7-10 days before the slow climb back out.
Before that, my mental health for July was actually very good! I was enjoying how I felt, which I try to do as much as I can because I know it will end eventually. I am always trying to learn better ways to cope with my time in the Shit Pit, and understanding that it’s always temporary has been soooo helpful.
I don’t function well in the heat; never have. Realizing that this is probably the coolest summer we’ll have from now on makes it so much worse. I think part of my tumble into the Pit was a sorrowful sense of ending. It seems like everything is just getting worse and worse – not just the climate. Normally I am able to hang on to a little hope – there are still people fighting, still victories. Maybe there’s still time. But this month I wasn’t able to maintain even that. Down we go!
A favorite local business, Rabbit Food Grocery, shut down this month; Sinead O’Connor, a lifelong heroine and inspiration, died this week. My mother had some serious health issues in July as well (she’s doing much better). America expected us to come to its birthday party after it’s been acting like an asshole all year. Ugh. What a month.
Good things did happen this month though! I got to go to my first miniatures show with a dear friend, the first trip out of town I’d had in…um…a long time. We even tried a vegan Mexican restaurant and oohhhhhhh it was good. Because of that trip I discovered the marvel that is peach butter (so good on toast, OMG). And I built two miniature kits and am almost, almost done with the dollhouse. So it wasn’t all Shit Pit all the time.
But all I can do is do better! July is over, time to move forward. We can’t undo bad decisions or un-fuck what we’ve fucked up. We can only blunder onward with better intentions and maybe better plans in place. I can think back over July and find ways to support my mental health more effectively. I can seek out more ways to contribute to the world within my means and abilities. I can dig into the reasons why I spend so much on deliveries and work on better meal management.
(How is it no one told me that feeding myself would be one of the hardest parts of adulthood?)
So, to summarize the blog challenge…
Well, I’ve kind of blown it, in terms of posting every day. The fact is, I’m a shit blogger. I post a bunch for a while then nothing. I write loooooong posts with no pictures! God forbid! I feel like there has to be a way I can use my blog that will work for my writing style and my life, but in all these years I haven’t sussed it out. I’m a good writer but not much of a blogger, and that’s always struck me as weird – it’s a built in platform to talk about whatever I want! Seems like I’d never run out of stuff to go on about!
In our weird modern social media world if you don’t post every day, advertise yourself, get sponsors, cover your site with ads, optimize the doohickey, plan your Instagram ahead of time, use like 3x more pictures than words, never go past like 200 words in a post, and fondle the algorithms, no one will ever find you. Success is views and likes and revenue. Content quality? Eh, whatever, as long as you “build your brand.”
That’s never going to be me.
I’ve let that intimidate me more than I care to admit, as well as my lack of youth and beauty, especially when it comes to posting YouTube videos. All these young, pretty women with tons of tattoos (where are they getting the money?) filming gorgeous cinematic videos of themselves walking through the woods in long skirts and shit…I live in a city and it’s too hot to go outside. I also don’t wear skirts and my wardrobe is, well, dowdy on a good day.
I think that’s a lot of my problem when it comes to social media and blogging, not to mention writing books on spirituality – the media are so saturated with lovely things to look at, but I’m a terrible photographer and I don’t even wear makeup.
Notice however that this is my problem, not something wrong with the folks out there doing the work. I admire them so much! Back when I was 23 and thought I knew shit about shit would have been the perfect time for me to create a media presence – I was fearless enough to write about a religion I’d practiced for six years! That kind of crazy bravery/hubris is awesome fuel. Life and major depressive disorder have ground that out of me, and I’m not sure where it leaves me. I feel just as compelled to contribute to my spiritual community as I always have, I’m just not sure how to approach it. How can I be myself out there and still be heard?
You don’t have to answer that question, don’t worry. It’s just where I’m at after this month on the blog and my time in the Shit Pit. I feel like I’m on the cusp of at least part of an answer, though, so that’s good! Like I said 500 words ago…all I can do is do better!