I’ll be honest: February was kind of a non-starter.
Blog Posts require pictures now, right?
A nasty ice storm hit Austin the first week of the month and brought down half the trees in the city; this also knocked out power to hundreds of thousands of people, including myself. Our power was out for four days. (This happened two years ago, if you’ll recall, only much worse.) With no way to cook and our fridge out (I hope I never have to clean rotten food out of a fridge that’s had no power for a week ever, ever again!) we had to order out food several times, breaking my “no food delivery” part of the depth year. I lost my grip on ordering out after that and did it oh, so many times. Looking at the amount of money I spent it makes me even more determined to shake the habit!
I’ve grossly violated a couple of other spending categories, but I didn’t do it with my own money! I got a gift card to B&N and ordered three new books. But no washi tape or Tarot decks! Small victories, right?
I did buy a couple of dollhouse things, but they weren’t miniatures themselves; I downloaded some templates for a tiny project to go in the house, and I ordered supplies (wood glue, spackle, sandpaper, UV resin, and a mold to make jars – I tried 100 different ways to make little herb jars, but they all sucked. I finally broke down and ordered a mold. Witches need jars, yo.). As I said, supplies are fine. Hopefully this order will be enough of everything to finish the house! My goal is to get it done by May, so it will be a full yearlong project.
I am thinking maybe when the house is basically finished if I want to do one last order for little things to embellish or finish it off, that would be okay. For example, I want to get my dollhouse character a pair of rubber rain boots to put on the patio. Little things like that. But I’d definitely set a limit! That kind of stuff adds up FAST.
(Don’t worry, I plan to post pics of the house and some of the miniatures I’ve made for it. I’m far too proud of the project not to share it everywhere I can.)
To sum up: February = NOPE! I’m not too upset about it; this month blew very similar goats to January. In March I’m going to focus on three things: Not ordering food delivery, working on the dollhouse upstairs, and getting back on my meditation practice, which has suffered horribly in the last couple of months.
What are you hoping to do in March? Drop a comment if you’d like to share.
Now let’s explore how the 7 Principles of Unitarian Universalism interact with Pagan beliefs and ethics. You don’t have to dive too deeply to see how compatible the two are.
1st Principle: The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
2nd Principle: Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
3rd Principle: Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
4th Principle: A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
5th Principle: The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
6th Principle: The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
7th Principle: Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
There is also an 8th Principle in the process of becoming an official thing: Journeying toward spiritual wholeness by working to build a diverse multicultural Beloved Community by our actions that accountably dismantle racism and other oppressions in ourselves and our institutions.
As a progressive, a feminist, and a proponent of process theology, the 1st and 2nd Principles are kind of a given. Even a terrible person is a person with the same right to exist with dignity as I have, and they became what they are both by their own choices/mistakes and by the systems and institutions that helped them become that way. That’s just reality, not an excuse; but knowing how a toddler got a gun doesn’t stop you from taking the gun away, does it?
We all have some measure of creative freedom in our lives. Principle #2 points out that our lives exist in relationship with others (meaning everything and everyone we interact with, human or otherwise), and (in my set of values) the only way to live within the Divine Web is to make sure our relationships involve justice, equity, and compassion.
The 3rd Principle is one of the things that drew me to UU in the first place: As I said before, you can believe in whatever suits you as a UU, or nothing at all, as long as you share our values and are willing to work together with your fellow travelers to keep nudging that long arc toward justice. With that plurality of belief comes the importance of Principle 4: A free and responsible search for truth and meaning. To me this means learning all you can about the varied ways humans interact with the Divine Web (free), but also respecting the practices of other faiths and cultures (responsible). Cultural appropriation has historically been an issue in UU congregations as much as it has in Wicca and other NeoPagan traditions but both are working to address it.
If you’re an anarchist at heart the 5th Principle may rankle, but then again, you’d be less likely to consider joining a church in the first place, right? UUs believe in the democratic process, though we acknowledge its flaws and how, in practice, it has become so corrupt in America in particular. But it still seems like one of the best systems going, so as long as the system can be changed for the better, we’re all up in it.
When it comes to Principle 6 I don’t know of any NeoPagan tradition that believes in racism, misogyny, environmental degredation, and homophobia. But although I’ve never encountered an entire trad that held these beliefs but I have seen individuals and groups within the trad that did. I usually refuse to call any path “wrong,” but if your religion does promote any of these things, it is WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. It needs to go sit in its little circle of wrongness and be WRONG and stay away from me and mine.
When we bring in the 8th Principle – in a word, antiracism – we really dig into our philosophies on justice and liberty. Just as a lot of people don’t think legislation protecting women’s rights is necessary because the Constitution “already covers everyone,” there are people who think the 8th Principle is redundant based on the other already-existing principles. But in truth, racism is so endemic to our society that you can’t just *say* everyone is equal and have it come true. In our culture we have to actively work to create systems that are antiracist. If deep down you believe in the American promise of equality and freedom, then looking around you must see we have neither, and it is our responsibility (everyone’s!) to change this.
Ask the average (hahaha) Pagan UU which Principle they like best and many will probably say the Seventh, Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part. The contributions of Earth-based religions weren’t part of the earliest versions of Unitarian Universalism, but unlike a number of other faiths UUs are quite pleased to evolve with the times, so Pagan ideas about nature became one of the primary sources for UU wisdom. The more intensely climate change ravages the planet the more important the 7th Principle becomes. #7 also fits in nicely with my own concept of Deity and the universe – at the moment I call it the Divine Web – which governs every form of connection I have with, well, everything. I’ll get more into the Web in a later post since it’s the fundamental metaphor of my personal tradition, but suffice it to say, I would have to name #7 as a favorite too.
When I tell people I’ve joined a church, they tend to stare at me like I’ve sprouted a second head. After I clarify “It’s a Unitarian Universalist church,” I get one of two responses most often: 1) Relief that they didn’t miss the part where I converted to Christianity (then worry that this has indeed happened out of the clear blue nowhere) or 2) “So are you still a Pagan? What does that make you now?” If they really want to know, I tell them what I’m telling you:
I consider myself a Pagan Unitarian Universalist Witch.
The order of the words there is important to me. “Pagan” represents the inner circle of my spiritual identity, my actual beliefs about Deity and religion. The outer circle is UU, how I come together in community with people whose beliefs lead them to the same conclusions about right, wrong, equality, and justice that mine do. Everyone in that community has their own inner circle but we all connect through the outer.
I like the feel of landing on the word “Witch” last, as the art and craft of causing change at an energetic level, using symbology and the power of imagination, is a way that I bring both the inner and outer circles into manifest reality.
The thing is, I’m not a protester. I’m never going to march in the streets or risk being tasered or make phone calls. I have social anxiety around all those things that I find insurmountable – and for a long time it made me feel inadequate as a “social justice warrior” (an epithet I accept with pride), but I finally realized something important:
The world needs all the help it can get, in as many forms as it can come. It needs letter writers and sign carriers and megaphone shouters and barricade breakers and advocates of all stripes. It needs writers and artists. It needs introverts and extroverts. Administrators, organizers, workers within and outside systems. It needs bake sales and pamphlets and prayer and divine light and sweat and all-night planning sessions.
And it needs Witches. I view magic as a sacred tool that doesn’t take the place of other forms of action but augments it and can often tip the scales in subtle (and not so subtle) ways. I can do magic to help draw attention to a cause and attract the right people to help. I can push for greater kindness and compassion as well as nourish them in myself using magic and prayer. And by joining a UU church, I can find new ways to use my other talents and aptitudes.
As a UU I come into contact with all sorts of people that I wouldn’t have just practicing on my own, and that means I learn from them how to be a more effective change-bringer, and they learn from me as well. Community is kind of a nice thing to have, even when you’re largely a loner like myself. I love the opportunity to choose to enter into relationships with some of the coolest people I can imagine knowing.
Pagans are often very inwardly focused – most modern spirituality movements are, especially the nuttier the rest of the world becomes. In the face of so much we can’t control, practices like Witchcraft give us some sense of captaining our own fates. We focus on becoming happier and better people, which is a wonderful goal to have; but I think many of us forget to extend those vibes beyond our own Circles, or don’t realize that they can help other people besides ourselves.
The inner work is very important to me – coming into an authentic expression of life and manifesting change in myself and my own little world means I have more to offer “out there.” But adding my own skills to a congregation of people who may not have the same beliefs or traditions but have many of the same goals for social change makes my efforts ten times more effective.
I often feel overwhelmed by the enormity of wrong that my beliefs compel me to make right; but being able to work with others reminds me it’s not all my responsibility. In fact, community is going to be what saves us if anything does – the ability to come together and find solutions. It’s way easier to topple an ivory tower when you’ve got 100 others pushing with you.
In this way those three segments of my identity come together to work as a whole. There is of course one more very important aspect to my me-ness – veganism – but it’s not a separate aspect. It informs all of them. I’ll go into this more in future posts, but I consider my vegan practice deeply entwined with my spirituality, which then ripples out through both my relationships with others and the way I manifest change. I feel like all of these things make sense, and work together as a living system, my own particular corner of the Divine Web of all existence.
This year I want to explore life as a Pagan Unitarian Universalist more thoroughly – it’s easy enough to say you’re one, and pretty easy to join a UU congregation without going too deeply into what that means as long as you’re enthusiastic about progressive religion and social action, but when you get down to it, how do the self identifiers “Pagan” and “UU” connect? Obviously the two are compatible since there are quite a few of us, but I want to consider what it means for my own personal spiritual tradition to be made up of these two things.
I consider Paganism the internal workings of my spiritual life, and UU more as outward workings. Generally “religion” is what you do with other people; and “spirituality” is what you do on your own with your gods (or whatever). UU is pretty outward-focused and makes the perfectly reasonable assumption that promoting social justice and positive change in the world benefits all of society, which of course includes you as an individual.
If you’re not terribly familiar with Unitarian Universalism, the gist is that a UU congregation is not formed based on shared belief, but on shared behavior. A UU church comes together and agrees on how to treat each other in what’s known as a Covenant. Every UU church will have one, and sub-groups within that church will usually each have their own. Again, it’s not an agreement about God or faith or any metaphysical concept – it’s a formal way of everyone agreeing not to be assholes to each other.
I also have a personal covenant just between me and my gods, which was the first UU thing that I decided to adapt to my own practice. It’s about relationship as well – mine and Theirs, and mine with myself. If you ever hear me say that I’m “out of Covenant” with myself I probably did something regrettable.
Unitarian Universalists follow what we call the Seven Principles, and draw spiritual inspiration from the Six Sources. I plan to say a lot more about both but first I just wanted to share what they are so that in my next post I can burrow in.
The Seven Principles of Unitarian Universalism
The inherent worth and dignity of every person;
Justice, equity and compassion in human relations;
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations;
A free and responsible search for truth and meaning;
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;
The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all;
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
The 6 UU Sources
Direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder, affirmed in all cultures, which moves us to a renewal of the spirit and an openness to the forces which create and uphold life.
Words and deeds of prophetic women and men which challenge us to confront powers and structures of evil with justice, compassion, and the transforming power of love.
Wisdom from the world’s religions which inspires us in our ethical and spiritual life.
Jewish and Christian teachings which call us to respond to God’s love by loving our neighbors as ourselves.
Humanist teachings which counsel us to heed the guidance of reason and the results of science, and warn us against idolatries of the mind and spirit
Spiritual teachings of Earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature.
Watching a lot of Witchy and Tarot related Youtubers, as well as planner folks and other crafters who tend to amass huge piles of supplies, I have heard about the concept of a “Depth Year” from about half a dozen people in wildly diverging areas of the ‘Tubes.
It got me thinking.
What’s a Depth Year? The idea originated from an article by David Cain, and has made the rounds of the self-actualization crowd. Per the article, the idea is,
No new hobbies, equipment, games, or books are allowed during this year. Instead, you have to find the value in what you already own or what you’ve already started.
You improve skills rather than learning new ones. You consume media you’ve already stockpiled instead of acquiring more.
You read your unread books, or even reread your favorites. You pick up the guitar again and get better at it, instead of taking up the harmonica…
I was already planning a spending ban for the year on certain things, but the idea of turning it into a full-on Depth Year – really leaning into what I already have and who I already am, minimizing spending so I can use some of the stuff I’ve piled up over the years, and just thinking more about what I consume and why I feel the need to go after the New Shiny instead of finishing the Older but Really Good Too – made my insides buzz in that way that tells me I’m on the right track.
Since I was just talking about setting/not setting goals, it seemed like a natural outgrowth. It’s a shift in perspective – instead of trying to achieve something per se, trying to perceive something, to snuggle into the parts of me that make me ME, and work through the things I’ve acquired (physically and otherwise) that are mere distractions from that.
So here are my spending rules for 2023. I’m being specific because I don’t want to stop spending ANY money on things I enjoy; those little joys make life bearable in this catastrofuck of an age we live in. I’m not a person who says money can’t buy happiness – maybe it can’t, but it can buy food and homes and medical care and all the things a functioning social safety net would make accessible, which remove a huge chunk of the stress, depression, and anger that result from constantly being afraid of losing your home or not being able to feed your children. I’ve seen a number of therapists Tweet out that making people believe they are solely responsible for their mental health is an awfully convenient way to keep them from rioting in the streets.
Anyway, rules.
I will not spend money on any of the following in 2023:
Washi tape. Good god.
Books. (I can still get them from the library, but an important part of this will be to go through my TBR pile and decide which I’ll actually read and which need rehoming.)
Restaurant delivery (The worst habit I acquired during the Pandemic; if it’s just once every couple of months that’s one thing, but I’ve come to rely on it waaaaaaay too much.)
Premade miniatures (Materials and tools for the dollhouse are fine, just no more little accessories or furniture. I want to build as much of what I still need as possible. But that requires wood, glue, Xacto blades, etc.)
Bedroom decor items (rare exception might be permitted, but I have stuff I still need to hang up or fix first)
I am allowed one order from Amazon or Etsy per paycheck, and Amazon is only to be used for things I NEED, not random cheap-ass things that catch my fancy and end up being crap.
Additional subscription boxes. I love trying them! But so many end up not worth the money, or I keep getting all sorts of stuff I don’t need and can’t figure out what to do with. But I have one right now (Tamed Wild, which is neat and has a lower price point than the others I’ve tried) so I figure I can keep one throughout the year and, if I decide TW isn’t my thing anymore I can switch to another. But still, only ONE TOTAL.
Tarot and oracle decks. I have too many now that I don’t use. I’ll be weeding them out soon and probably giving some away.
No restrictions on:
Groceries, although I would like to plan my meals better so I don’t end up wasting so much produce.
Starbucks (or other coffee shops). Over the last few years I have examined the impact it has on my budget and my level of joy, and have moderated my spending there. I don’t feel the need to cut back; the idea here is to seek out more little joys in my life, not kill one.
Body care products and that sort of thing. A lot of people restrict this one, but I don’t wear makeup and my shower lineup consists of one shampoo and one body wash. I am thinking of replacing a bunch of my nail polishes since they’re ancient, and looking into some more moisturizing things. But I see no reason to limit this category when it’s already a nonissue.
Other consumables where I use a specific brand and don’t have a possible substitute at home for when I run out. This is important because as a vegan I spend a lot of time finding products that I can use and like. Those kinds of things already take a lot of consideration, so I don’t think I need to scrutinize them any further.
I’ll be giving Depth Year updates every month starting in February. I hope you’ll enjoy them! I’m really excited to see how it goes!
If you’ve been around me any length of time you know how I love planners – the whole planner hobby has been one of mine for years. (When I say “hobby” I mean the fun decorating stuff as opposed to just using a planner to plan things like a normal person.) I’ve always spent the last bit of December reviewing the old year and getting ready to set goals for the new.
I noticed over time that I tended to set the same goals over and over and not even remotely achieve them. I was half-assing it at best…no, quarter-assing, if we’re being honest… okay, a mere sliver of my ass was involved. I looked back over various years and various detailed plans that just sort of went nowhere, and how crappy I always felt when I gave up on them or started then bailed. It is in my nature to bail – that’s something I’ve battled with my whole life.
Then the beginning 2022 came about and I decided screw it. No lists of core values! No 22 in 2022! No life satisfaction wheels or words of the year! We’ll just see what I accomplish when I throw all expectation to the wind. I used my planner only for keeping track of the date and appointments and let the rest slide.
How’d That Work Out For You?
To be brutally honest: No worse and no better than any other year. 2022 was just as much clown shoes as the last few years have been – even if you scrape off the scuzzy layer of toxicity that is the state of the world, my personal life was neither a triumph nor a tragedy.
But I still felt bad that I hadn’t done anything – with the added guilt that in the absence of regular goals shouldn’t I have been recharging, resting, re-something? I did none of those. I blundered around like I was taking blindfolded, possibly drunken swings at the existential piñata. (Existential Piñata: new band name?) I was aimless and felt even more angst than usual.
So…what conclusions did you draw?
From a strictly pragmatic and rather cynical perspective: If I’m going to feel bad about the year no matter what I do/don’t do, I might as well do the thing that’s more fun, which for me is playing with goals and plans and habit tracking and all those things, and maybe, just maybe, I’ll get some things done while I’m at it.
From a more…optimistic? perspective, it has given me a lot of food for thought regarding why I repeatedly choose goals that I abandon yet keep going back every year. None of them seem unreasonable. They’re all things that matter to me, or at least I want them to.
I’ve never been what you would call “disciplined” or “pro-active.” I freely admit I sit on my ass until I’m forced to do most things – the combination of mental issues I get to enjoy daily creates a nice sludge of executive dysfunction (I know I need to do this, but I just can’t!) and feelings/fear of failure (I’m just going to mess it up, so why should I even try?). It’s never been something I liked about myself, but I am at least used to it. Believe me, I’ve shadow worked this shit from here to the dark side of the Moon; I’m not saying I can’t change, I’m just saying I understand how deeply rooted these things are and that clearly my prior approaches have not worked.
Okay, What Are You Going to Do This Year?
Well, I’m not in a rush, that’s for sure. I’m using January as Nature intends: To wait, to think, to make wiser decisions before acting. I’ve been using an approach where you rate all these different areas of your life (relationships, spiritual, financial, health and wellness, and so on) and then rate where you’d like them to be at the end of the year; then you pick out a couple that have a really big gap between current and future, and come up with ways to help make that happen. No one part of life happens in a vacuum. I created a personal covenant with the Goddess that defines these areas and leaves room for me to figure out how to improve them with more specific goals. (I’m a Unitarian Universalist, covenants are kind of our jam.)
But again, there’s no hurry. It’s not like time actually resets at New Year’s midnight. It’s a human-made marker that we use to orient ourselves in time, but it’s not the only possible marker. I use the seasonal cycle as a guide – first we think and plan, then we get a-moving, then we reap the fruit of our choices, then we rest.
Right now I’m in the preparation stage and considering how I want life to look/feel at the end of 2023. What will it take to get me there? What am I willing to sacrifice? And am I medicated enough to try? Stay tuned.
Forgive me, internet, for I have sinned. It has been two years since my last blog post.
What can I say? We all know what a tire fire the last couple of years have been. There was a point at which I just ran out of things to say, which is kind of the opposite reaction from what many people had during Quarantine. Folks got so creative! New blogs and YouTubers appeared everywhere! My god, the number of lockdown manuscripts that publishers must have had to wade through boggles the mind. Meanwhile I shrank. I stopped writing. I left groups I had belonged to or joined during lockdown. My life became my chair in the living room – which was of course a necessity for a while since nobody could go anywhere.
This was when my depression apparently said to itself, “Now’s my time to SHINE!”
I’m not sure why I decided to come back other than I have again grown weary of living small. I’ve been taking on new activities and projects again, but I’m trying to go slowly. I recently started a Pagan discussion group at my church, which has got me talking shop again, which of course made me think about YouTubing again. I made a few attempts last year and I hated all of them – I’m trying to figure out how to sound coherent and find a camera angle that doesn’t make me want to shriekingly defenestrate.
Thinking about YouTube led to wanting to spiff up the website and update my “About Me” type stuff. I ended up moving some things around, and thought to myself, “…I should blog again.”
Now, the truth is, I have no idea what I’m going to be posting here just yet. I have new topics I could talk about, such as my new miniatures hobby; and I’ve been working on yet another version of my Book of Shadows. I have started two new books, Shadow World VIII and a Pagan spirituality book that is still kind of an idea amoeba and a folder full of notes on my Penzu account.
In the meantime, I thought I’d lead off with one of my perennial favorite post types: 10 Things I Love.
Nicole has several oracle decks in her Etsy shop, one of which (The Witch Cats deck) I ordered immediately. I then went back and ordered her 2023 calendar as well. The cats are just so sweet and lovely, the style mystical but not silly. Looking at the cards makes me feel good. I’m planning to use them as a guide/altar art, to draw a card for the month or week and let that be something awesome to look at and meditate on when I engage in spiritual shenanigans.
2. I Love The Sandman series (Netflix).
I’ve never been much of a graphic novel reader. But when I heard The Sandman was going to be a Netflix series (involving the author, Neil Gaiman, himself) I got excited. I thought hey, fun cool dark fantasy stuff, lots of neat effects, let’s go!
Little did I know that I would find the series completely addictive, but even more importantly (and strangely), I found it fed something in me that I can’t quite describe. I find watching it deeply soothing (though I do tend to skip most of the diner episode because GOD DAMN), and I’d even call it spiritually fulfilling. Something about the world Gaiman created has grown roots in my head.
I did read the first volume of the graphic novels, and while I will absolutely agree they are a masterpiece, I’d still rather watch the show – not because it’s better per se, but because the comic format just doesn’t suck me in. The show has such a lyrical and lush presence, and I just don’t get that from the comic. I’ve never been much of a purist about anything.
Sometime early last year a friend of mine got me interested in watching videos about miniatures. By mid May I was building a dollhouse of my own. Ara’s videos were the first that got me hooked, especially her Cardboard House series, in which she created an entire house, including furnishings, out of things she already had during lockdown. Her creativity, humor, and enthusiasm are infectious to say the least! She also build a truly epic Addams Family dollhouse and is currently working on a model of the Beetlejuice house (including all the character dolls!)
I found Julian quite by accident – art restoration hasn’t really been one of my major interests. But after a couple of videos I was addicted! The techniques and patience that go into restoring fine art, especially pieces that are several hundred years old and need more than a few little dings repaired, are mesmerizing. Julian is amazing at his job, even if his sponsor segues are just the lamest things ever (I think at this point he’s doing it deliberately to make the audience groan), and I’ve learned so much about how art is made (and damaged). The most recent series where he and his apprentice have to repair and restore a split wood panel – which involves making jigs and using power tools – is seriously cool. He also discusses the ethics and professional code of art restoration, which is fascinating.
5. I Love Phyllis Curott.
I was a young Witch back when Phyllis’s first book, Book of Shadows, first hit shelves. I’ve been a fan of hers ever since; her Witch Crafting is probably the most influential book on my own personal Craft. (I need to get a new copy, my old hardback is falling apart and I love the new cover on the trade paperback.) I love that she approaches the Craft as inherently spiritual, as do I, and that we are working as the hands of the Divine, creating reality along with Them. I thought it strange that she disappeared from public Pagan life just like I did; and when I heard she was coming back with a new book, Spells for Living Well, I was so excited! Of course we’ve had, and have, very different lives, but I find a kindred spirit in her struggles and return. (Also the book is great – I’ve already copied a bunch of the spells into my Book of Shadows to act as inspiration for my own workings.)
6. I Love New Year goal-setting and List-making.
Hope springs eternal, am I right? I’ll have more on this in another post.
7. I Love Egyptology.
Little known fact about me: I’m hardcore into both archaeology and paleontology. I feverishly consume documentaries and books on Egyptology, especially regarding the lives of women in pharaonic Egypt and the religious shakeups of the Amarna period. Mummification is another deep fascination. I have not one but two favorite Egyptologists (Salima Ikram is my idol, and I love listening to Chris Naunton’s lectures online). I’m also into Mayan and Incan history and archaeology, but Egypt is my first love. So are dinosaurs, incidentally. I freaking love learning about the latest discoveries in dinos.
The problem with most chai latte mixes is the latte part – it’s hard to find a nondairy version. This stuff allows you to use whatever milk you want. It’s like hot cocoa with an attitude. It’s hard to find in single packs right now but I fully intend to grab this five pack when I can.
Speaking of tea-related things, I’m a huge fan of brown sugar flavored anything; and I discovered I love it in my hot beverages. I found these pure cane sugar cubes, which have that same flavor but a little more…complex? I guess? This particular brand just has a vanilla-ish, caramelly note to it that I enjoy a great deal. I even use it to make brown sugar vanilla syrup for my iced beverages – combine equal parts sugar cubes and boiling water, mix to dissolve, allow to cool, add some vanilla, then store in the fridge. (You don’t have to be terribly precise with the measurements either.)
10. I Love the Rainbow-Making Prisms hanging in my bedroom windows.
I’ve been a bit MIA from the blog the last few weeks because, unsurprisingly, my depression is kicking up with all the *gestures wildly at the whole damn world* going on. I’m feeling…reasonable?…right now so I thought I’d actually come talk about how I view (and deal with) my depression.
I’m a lifer. I’ve had major depressive disorder most of my life (I think perhaps even as a child, but certainly since my teenage years) and have been medicated for about 70% of that. I first went on meds at 19. I was also diagnosed with type II bipolar disorder in my 30s, but I’ve come to doubt the accuracy of that diagnosis as I’m pretty sure what I thought of as hypomania was, in fact, just me feeling like myself for a while. (Everyone is different, though, so I recommend at least trying to get a proper diagnosis to give you a starting point.)
I’ve done a lot of shadow work and self-examination to identify where my depression came from, but to be honest, that did basically zero to alleviate the symptoms; it just gave me insight and allowed me to approach my treatment in a more useful way. I continue to have depressive cycles that don’t correspond to any particular events or traumatic triggers from the past. I realized that whatever caused my depression, I still have an illness, and I need to treat it as a medical problem while continuing to work on myself mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
In addition to my three prescription medications, I take Omega-3, and D & B vitamin supplements to help steady things in my head. I meditate as much as possible to promote calmer skies. I have tried exercise as a treatment, but I have physical issues (and body image issues) that make it difficult to maintain. I try not to look at my inability to stick to exercise as a failure, but as a “that didn’t work this time, let’s try something different.”
I also use my bullet journal/planner to help keep me oriented and connected to my life – it’s easy when you’re depressed to feel like you’ve become unmoored, and having trackers and a to-do list help remind me that I have goals and things to look forward to and they’re still there even if I’m in a bad way.
I think the most important thing I did for my mental health was the day I connected the concept of the Wheel of the Year with my depressive cycles. Not the Sabbats themselves, but the idea that change is continuous and the seasons roll into each other and back around again, but never sit still. All of nature moves in cycles, and I’m hardly exempt from that.
I decided to treat my depressive cycles as “flare-ups,” not as the end of the world. They tend to last anywhere from 2-6 weeks, but the thing that really matters is knowing they’re temporary. If I approach them as a symptom flare-up like I would with fibromyalgia, IBS, or other conditions, I am better able to keep them in perspective.
When I’m flaring up I try to listen to my body and brain. I pull back on social interaction and sleep a lot, but I’ve tried, and continue to try, not to stop contact with people, just to take a rest from things when I really feel like I need to. I work as diligently as I can to counter negative thoughts with what I know is reality and remind myself I won’t always feel this way. I try not to make major decisions. I watch comfort movies and TV, I don’t police my eating, and above all, I try to be patient with myself.
My mantra for flare-ups is, “I am the sky; the rest is the weather.” I visualize my flare-ups as leaden-grey clouds covering the sky, but even when they look still, they are moving slowly across the vista of my mind. They will eventually break up. The wind will usher them out of view, and I’ll be able to see constellations again.
All the things I do to help myself, from meditation to self-examination, help make the clouds move through faster and gentle the squalls as much as possible. But it’s all still the weather. It still changes over time. As daunting as that idea is sometimes, it also gives me hope.
Weather fronts come and go. But the sky remains, still clear and blue during day and star-flecked at night, even behind the fiercest storms.
I find myself contemplating the second half of 2020, and aside from “What’s next, space monkeys? A plague of frogs? War with Finland? Another Minions movie? …oh goddamn it,” I am considering how my priorities have changed in the last six months.
I look back at my January 2020 goal-setting and I laugh and laugh and laugh. I mean who hasn’t thought, “This is going to be my year, I’m going to get my poop in a group and make big changes and accomplish A-Z and really do better at all my everything!” at the start of every year of their adult lives? But 2020…wow, y’all.
I had, on my list, things like finishing the novel I was working on and getting a second book underway. I planned to increase my income by a certain amount, finally get that yoga practice going, etc. And while in theory I could finish a book during quarantine, let’s be honest here: This has not been a productive time just because it’s been a non-busy time. Our brains and hearts are working extra hard dealing with all of this even if we haven’t had to take on extra responsibilities for our families or jobs.
I think it’s important to have goals even now – not big life things necessarily but just something to strive for, something to help keep you anchored in your life. But those goals don’t exist in a vacuum. What’s going on out there will absolutely affect what we can accomplish in here.
I ask myself, what do I want to nurture in my life for the rest of the year? What do I need more of right now? And then, what’s a small thing I could add to my day that would help nudge me toward that? For my longer-term big goals, picking some wee aspect to chip away at could mean progress without overwhelm.
Overwhelm is a thing I’ve come to understand on a new level in the last few months. The continuous onslaught on my mental health coming from the outside world has lowered the amount of energy I have available. I have to respect that and not pretend I’m going to feel “normal” again any time soon. 2020-life depression might just be a new way my depression manifests itself that I have to learn how to live with. (Thanks, America.)
All of that in mind, and considering my original goals, I’ve decided to take a massive dose of Phucumol (talk to your doctor today!) and, with a mighty YEET!, toss them all and start from scratch.
There are three smallish things I want to do/start doing:
Eat a little more healthfully, specifically not ordering out all the time but eating actual home-cooked food with vegetables in it that aren’t potatoes, and maybe drinking some actual water? Cutting back on the deliveries will be good for my budget too.
Move. Just a little. I really really want to figure out a way to get myself on the yoga mat, even for five minutes at a time. I have plenty of resources and a good chunk of time in the afternoon after work I could use, I just…haven’t.
Write. Creative outlets are very important to me in general, but now especially. I do want to keep blogging, but I also want to pick a larger project and stick with it for a while. I haven’t decided which project that will be just yet.
Eat, move, write. That doesn’t sound so insurmountable. They’re all things I can still do while the world is a giant tire fire.
I’m going to say this up front: America fucked up.
It was a losing battle from the beginning with the narcissistic ignorant grifter in charge and all his equally repugnant cronies guaranteeing there would not be enough testing, enough aid, or enough time before the country “opened back up.”
Let’s make one thing very clear. America never “closed.” It just let white people go home and bake bread while people of color, other minorities, and the poor involuntarily shouldered the burden of keeping vital services running for the rest of us.
If things keep going as they have–and there’s no reason to believe otherwise given how badly people are behaving just because they’ve been asked to put a piece of fabric on their faces for an hour here and there (I wonder if those Klan hoods impede their delicate respiration too?) that things won’t be worst-case scenario–it’s not just 2020 we’ve lost. It’ll be most of, if not all of, 2021 as well, depending on vaccine availability.
I’m not trying to doomsay here, I’m just trying to look at what’s laid out in front of us. This is not going away any time soon. The life that we had at the beginning of this year is over for a while. That means we need to manage our expectations.
Most of us have been treating the pandemic as a short-term problem; for other countries it has been. But America fucked up, as it is wont to do. It didn’t have to be this way, but this is what we have to work with while we keep trying to make it better.
We have to find ways to care for our mental health under the relentless onslaught. We have to find ways to keep adapting and to adjust the changes we’ve already made to shore them up long-term. What can you do to make your at-home life more sustainable for the long haul? Do you need particular equipment to help make working from home easier? Do you need to try a meal kit service or learn about batch cooking and prep to make feeding your household less draining? What can you to make your home more comfortable to stay in every day? Do you need make standing weekly Zoom dates to look forward to? A chore chart? Look at what has worked, and what hasn’t, the last few months. What are you lacking? How can you create more of it?
Your quarantine does not have to be a cocoon. It can just be where you keep your shit as together as possible. You don’t have to emerge ripped, speaking Cantonese, with a homemade sourdough loaf in each hand.
Make the best of things, absolutely, but acknowledge and accept that THIS FUCKING SUCKS. It SUCKS and it’s HARD and you’re ANGRY and SCARED and you want to cry and scream and you want to hug your Mom and you CAN’T, DAMN IT. All the weeks we spent doing the right thing have been undone by a bunch of selfish assholes, and IT SUCKS.
I think the most important thing we can do is admit that things are going to be a mess for a long time and then get off our (metaphorical) butts and get on with living our lives in whatever form they have to take.
We may not be able to avoid a perilous future but we can still help mitigate the longer term. America’s track record with learning from its mistakes is, well, not stellar, but we can still do better, both as individuals and as a nation. I cling to the hope that by November it won’t be too late to turn things around or at least wrench them from their blindfolded gallop toward a cliff. But to even have a chance, we have to VOTE! Meanwhile there are city council meetings to sit in on, letters to write to lawmakers, petitions to sign. You can do a lot from home!
Most importantly do not give up. One way or another we’re going to get through this. I can’t make any promises about how, or what the world will look like on the other side, but we’ll get there. Take care of yourself, take care of others, and get used to editing the plans you make for how life is “supposed” to go.
